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Eroscope Example Report

[Disclaimer: Rated NC-17
If you are looking for a romantic, lovey-dovey astrology report, you won’t find it within these pages. Please keep in mind all of the kinky, spirited and feisty remarks you will read are only intended in the spirit of fun, and are only suggestions for ways to play and perhaps challenge your boundaries. Feel free to happily ignore all wet and salacious remarks that do not apply.]

Herein lies the Gate to your Sexual Self
Its scent is musky and its feel is moist. Its song is sweet and trembling, feverish and blinding, dark and tormenting, frigid and cold. If you read things here that furrow your brow, causing a crease that looks remarkably like a little man in a boat, this is a sign from the gods that you are about to learn something momentous! Brace your buttocks in your chair! Should you not be in the mood to knock on the limbic door of your inner brain, quickly shut this report! No one need ever know…

Riding the flying trapeze with the greatest of ease!
You have a balance of all the elements scattered about your birth chart. Good for you! This allows you to be in touch nicely on all levels: Physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. Giving equal attention to all these in sexual adventures by fair yields the greatest experiences! If a partner lacks certain abilities that you may have, being patient and trusting can show them sexual experiences that will blow their gym socks right off! Rent yourself out, you lucky dog!

Your Scent is Perfectly Balanced and Aromatic.
You have planets evenly dispersed throughout the modalities. Fixed energy - steady, firm, regular – just like we wish our bowels would be; cardinal energy – self-starting, busy, pushy energy – too restless for real long term work, but great for enthusiasm and starting up; and mutable energy – flexible, adaptable, a real good worker bee. With these energies balanced in your chart, you are the perfect person. Everyone wants you! You have a nice balance of steadiness and solidity for long term relationships, enough aggression to pick up a hot, steamy piece of meat, and some nice flexibility for all those pretzel shapes and eccentric ideas a person may wish to investigate during a night of steamy lovemaking.

THE SIGN ON THE ASCENDANT: Your Animal Skin
The Ascendant in your chart, (otherwise known affectionately to this astrologer as "the Rising Sign") is your own native animal skin you wear about your shoulders and through which you physically face the world. It is the sign that was spreading out its earthly influence all over the horizon, opening its legs and scenting you with its own musky peculiarities when you were born. This paints your personality with colorful symbols, richness and a certain vibratory chemistry.

Your Animal Skin is in Sagittarius.
No pussy footing around for you! You don’t have the time or the inclination to deal with shy flowers. An assertive flirt, you’ll pick up someone and if they want to come along, they better hurry up while the going’s good. You’ll give them the best time they’ve ever had, and they won’t forget it, either. You can get into vocal sex, and are vigorous in the Land of Copulation. Erotic talk, groans, moans, and even some juicy obscenities are just fine with you. Because you have an independent soul, pastures appear and smell greener from across the cabana.

The Sun: That Radiating Warmth
You radiate heat, which warms up the birth chart where the Sun is placed like a honey-amber shaft of super-intelligence. It throbs and energizes everything it touches within the spectrum you call Yourself. To see how the Sun plays, fights and dances within the essence of You, look to the other planets and angles and the house where the Sun has taken up residence, to see what feverish and egocentric interactions are occurring in your baby cells.

When the energizing Sun powerfully connects (conjunctions), challenges (squares), and provokes (oppositions) the other planets, there is a tendency to energize the Sun in a vigorous manner so that your ego sits heavy and fat in the saddle. When the exuding Sun flows (trines) and supports (sextiles) the other planets, it gives warmth and confidence and a natural ebullience that can warm cold tootsies.

Your Warm, Radiating Sun is in Cancer
Your vital and energetic glow is nurturing and private. You engulf your lover with psychic wetness and complete absorption. Sex with you is like snorkeling in a warm bathtub with the lights out. Very womb-like and remarkably cozy! Once committed you give all your energy to your partner, and then some. You are the grande mother protector and lover, and at times may smother with the weight of your body on your lover’s face. If you have an understanding and patient partner, you will open your jade gate or point your lotus stalk with great sensuality and delectable, mouth-slurping passion. In fact, just thinking about sex with you causes a lover to squirm his or her fanny around in damp anticipation!

The Sun Exudes in the Seventh House
You are your partner. You bond very firmly and actively with your lover, and include them in all proceedings with a firmness that is heady to feel. You are a team player, and will have no problem taking the ball and running with it, as long as your partner is following closely in the rear, with a light hand caressing your unsuspecting rump. It’s all about us - not, ’you’ or ‘I’. You’ll happily share your throbbing genitalia with your lover, and of course, they’ll share theirs, placing it, in a most available and intriguing way, into the palm your hand. Together, you’ll ride the golden road to El Dorado, having simultaneous orgasms along the merry way, happily drooling all over each other.

Your Sun powerfully connects (conjuncts) to Flirtatious Mercury
You are a real mental case. To think and to convey your thoughts is the juice of life! Such rhapsody! You have a way with words and can talk a receptive lover into bed with great finesse. Depending where your planets are placed, you must watch out for intellectualizing the emotions, which sort of renders them null and void – a big fat blah. If your lover has occasion to feel that you are being too mouthy or bossy, I would suggest to them to stuff your mouth with assorted body parts to keep you muffled and preoccupied.

Your Sun flows (trines) with Frosty, Plasmic Neptune
You are warm, smart, creative, artistic, and sympathetic. As such, everyone wants you in his or her bed to significantly warm it, and to taste your delicious slippery nectar that you offer up unselfishly. "Me, first!" they say, as they try to crowd each other out of the way! You smile benevolently, sharing your wares with all that ask. You can seduce anyone into bed, if you put your mind to it. It is done in a rather elegant and fluidly, magical way. You are a shapeshifter , shifting to be male, female, or animal beastie-thing (should you be able to stop daydreaming for a moment!). Thus, you can be any lover’s pinky dream come true.

Your Sun supports (sextiles) Simmering Pluto
You have the capabilities to express your power in a positive way. You have this bubbling nuclear-like powerful feel to you, and somehow manage to direct it in a way that benefits yourself and others. Sexually, you can take a lover deep into the heart and the genitalia at the same time, causing huge explosions of body and emotions, still emerging intact, renewed physically (though tossed about) on love’s shore. Dewy drops of salty (tasty!) sweat on you and your lover’s inner elbows are microcosms of your power. Lick them up!

The Moon: Feelings, Nurturance and Wetness
Wherever the Moon is placed like an oozing dew drop, is where feelings abound and sometimes run amuck. It’s also where you like to do what feels good to yourself, things that you certainly will do, whether alone or with a lover of great fortitude! When the Moon touches another planet it creates a swirling tropical cocktail of its own milky needs and is to be tasted and experienced with great gooey gusto.

When the Moon powerfully connects (conjunctions), provokes (oppositions), and challenges (squares) the other planets, this tends to give the Moon a more powerfully reactive state (much harder to control!). The flowing (trines) and supporting (sextiles) aspects are soft and dreamy, sometimes in a sweet, mellow way, other times in a lazy, indulgent and chubby way.

The Moon’s Emotions Undulate in Aquarius
With the Moon in Aquarius, you respond in a mental and determined way to emotional situations. Able to detach easily, you wish everyone would just get over themselves and get along, like the old friends that we all are. Fighting and arguing amongst each other always irritates the humanitarian in you. Of course, if you are involved in the argument it is different! Then you are always right, because you know everything - excuse me! Thoughtful and intelligent, sexual relations fascinate you and cause your bottom to secretly wiggle about, as you cheerfully think about last night’s saturating activities. You are open-minded enough to enjoy trying out different sexual scenarios, and will stay amused and levelheaded through many heated and torturous embraces. With your mouth being your favorite organ to use over and over and over again, you can specialize in the oral arts, if you so choose. From your partner’s eyebrows and earlobes down to their rounded buttocks perking up high, it is all there just waiting for you to explore! Insist your lover keep the lights on, and get a real good look at everything.

The Moon Soaks the Second House
With the Moon in the second house, your feelings are steady and even, warm and lush, scented richly and they would taste like muskmelons, if you could eat them! You are affectionate and like to touch and rub your body against attractive objects. You like your possessions to accompany you on your walks around the block. Before you pounce on your lover, you need to feel secure in your surroundings. The ambiance must be lovely and comfortable and ever so sweet. Then you’ll feel free to feast and drool on your lover’s available body, stuffing yourself on all the enticing meats of love. Sex is a lush experience for you, along with food, drink, drugs, and soft or rough fabrics sliding and scratching along the length of your responsive skin. Feed your lover food morsels using no hands - mouth to perfect mouth.

Your Moon challenges (squares) Delectable Venus
Feed your mouth when you feel down, you oral thing you! A drive-through, breast-feeding convenience store for adults would be frequented by someone like you, wearing sunglasses and a dark raincoat, so you wouldn’t get caught suckling the goods! You may have trouble articulating your feelings, getting a bit choked up. Get to know yourself and this energy sexually. With your lover, share how you are feeling in a vocal manner, when he or she manipulates your golden genitalia in that slippery, probing manner that causes you to break out in a sweat. Talk and keep talking about what specific sensations you are feeling while you are being toyed with in that very hot manner. Notice what happens to your heart area.

Your Moon provokes (opposes) Mars’ Sexual Urges
Why is everyone so mad at you? What the heck did you do? You are just sitting here, minding your own business, and suddenly someone’s giving you holy hell just for taking up space! What gives? You’ve got a lot of excess energy, and when you don’t get rid of it or channel it properly, it rattles around in your body and head, and then goes shooting out and splats on your lover, friends, or family. And then they start yelling because it has a peculiar stink to it! To balance yourself out and prevent such happenings, work the large muscle groups on your body until they are stone tired. That means physical activity, sexual or otherwise. Sexually, make your lovely lust sessions last a really long time, so not only will your partner have multi-orgasmic opportunities, but also, you will be blissfully relaxed and peaceful, not to mention quite wet and dopey.

Your Moon provokes (opposes) the Uranus Wiggle
You have all sorts of interesting friends, colleagues, and family to stimulate your brain, tweak your buttons, and charge your long, waving fingertips. Are you crazy or are they? No one really knows, though everyone has an opinion, you can be sure of that! Thinking about such things will get you a direct line into insanity’s hallowed halls, my friend. Sexually, you may tie up with detached love ‘em and leave ‘em types, as you sob into your damp palms. Come to your senses! This energy is reflecting the inner you. If a lover leaves you in the cold, you (secretly) do not have to bother with all that commitment nonsense, do ya? And you can always entertain your friends with your shenanigans. Sexually, try the detached approach. Ask a good friend for a freebie, no strings attached. Afterwards, see what lights up in your brain and peruse these issues with your laser pointer.

Mental Expression
Your mental expression articulates and gesticulates in the birth chart where Mercury is placed, like a mime in a leafy city park. Look at the sign placement, the house placement, and the other planets involved with mischievous mental-case Mercury to see how you will experience your communications and thought processes.

The powerfully connecting (conjunctions), challenging (squares), and provoking (oppositions) aspects tend to give Mercury’s quicksilver tendencies, a laser zap in consciousness. The flowing (trines) and supporting (sextiles) aspects are softer and more laid back, but they also speed the brainiac synaptic environment up to a nice clip!

Articulating Mercury flirts in Cancer
Mentally you think in a concerned, active way and have an emotional way of speaking. Your thought processes move across your nerve fibers in an intuitive, undulating wave-like manner. You have many interesting feelings to share, and like to convey them in a warm, sensitive cozy way, making sure no one’s feelings are hurt in the process. A small intimate gathering of family or friends, sharing, eating and talking about feelings, is your idea of some real down home interactions. You are good at saying nurturing things to your partner or lover to get them to feel at ease with you. This opens them more to your exploring, greatly desired hands! Though you can be a bit of a crabby apple at times, a little bit of powder to your bottom always conquers that! Sexually, your gooey words are wonderful for relieving 9-5 stress.

Mercury’s Intercourse Reverberates in the Seventh House
With Mercury’s verbal intercourse echoing in your seventh house, conversations with your partner greatly stimulate your mental energies, zapping your spinal column with intermittent rushes. You like nothing better than to give your lover the tongue, as in fluent and energizing rap sessions! From superficial chitchat, local gossip, to serious and profound subjects (like who will receive oral sex first!) you talk up a storm with your tootsy-wootsy. When lovemaking you interact in a sharing and equal manner with your partner. Sharing is thrilling to you, and to connect with your lover is the ultimate experience! Taking care of your partner’s satisfaction is of extreme importance to you, but equality should be up there on the list, too. If snookums forgets about your ultimate thundering pleasure, plant your lovely foot in their poochy bottom!

Your Mercury supports (sextiles) Mars’ Sexual Urges
You are a scrappy little fighter with words! You also know when to call it quits and admit defeat. Mama didn’t raise no fool! You are a lively thing, your eyes dancing with mischief and keen perception. You notice everything, grasp ideas and concepts quick and readily, like a dog jumping up to catch a Frisbee! Sexually, you can play with this energy by using your happy-go-lucky hands on your breathlessly awaiting partner. Or, you could whisper into your lover’s ears, so the little ear hairs vibrate, sending shivers coursing down to Love Central. This brings new meaning to the word "squirm"!

Your Mercury flows (trines) with Frosty, Plasmic Neptune
The gods and goddesses have blessed you with an intuition that kicks butt! Gambling, writing, singing, telling sweet lies; these are all things you excel at. You could probably talk a doorman out of his uniform an exchange in exchange for a silk thong. How evil! How easy! And it’s all done with such emotional concern, no one has cause to doubt your pristine integrity. Sexually, lie to your lover, tell them outrageous stories that call forth a breathless response of slippery, dripping anticipation! Carry them, with your magical tales, into another realm where everything is pink and piggy wet with desire.

Your Mercury supports (sextiles) Simmering Pluto
You have quite a powerful, manipulative intellect though you think nobody knows about it. Quite devious and conniving, you can talk anyone into almost anything! Of course, you portray innocence itself, but we know, baby, we know. You are exceptionally brilliant at research and should incorporate this into your life. Sexually, you can play with this energy by planning an elaborate sexual seduction of your overworked, stressed partner. Actions speak louder than words, so note the trembling, hardness and wetness of your lover, and gauge your play by these parameters (and not their beseeching, sweet words of protest!)..

Desire and Attraction
Your desire and attraction flower and sweat fragrantly through the birth chart where Venus is placed like a musky perfume. Look at the sign placement, the house placement, and the other planets involved in the Venus pheromonal love dance to see how you will experience your wants and needs, give affections, and gratify your most astounding self!

If you are a woman, Venus shows how you expose your femininity. If you are a man, where Venus is placed is the type that you are attracted to, the type that will make your wand stand at attention and perfection! Venus is also your "Inner Feminine", waiting to be contacted and explored for healthy emotional balance. (Little secret: A man in contact and working with his inner feminine flower is like a man wearing a sarong or kilt – very charismatic and magnetic!)

When Venus powerfully connects (conjunctions), challenges (squares), or provokes (oppositions) the other planets, she tends to be more feisty and provoking, and has more liveliness to her sexy twitching tail. When Venus flows (trines) with and supports (sextiles) the other planets, she is very soft and creamy, indulgent and lazy. The Butter Queen!

Enticing Venus is in Taurus
With Venus in Taurus, you are sensuous and affectionate and you taste like warm cinnamon rolls, the kind you get at the mall and make your lips really sticky. Your desire nature burns slowly and steadily and is filled with lushness and muskiness. You like to feel secure before unfolding into the honeysuckle of love that you really are! When you are secure and moist, you experience the sexual experience in a carnal- filled, unendurably salacious way. You like to take your time, to build up the energy to an earth-shaking, quivering, fountain-spraying crescendo, which leaves your lover gasping and staring at you with dizzying, sweaty, flabbergasted wonder!

Your Venus is frolicking in the Fifth House
With Venus swinging her hips in the fifth house, you show affection by being playful like a puppy in heat, thrumming yourself against a warm, loving body that adores you. That’s all you require to salivate with supreme happiness! You are also a miniature creation machine and can create all sorts of wonderful things. Sexually, pillow fights, tickling, wrestling games, water guns, laughing and dunking in the bathtub as you try to maneuver in a very tight but well-lubricated space, are all examples of fun that can end in breathless paroxysms of delight! You are not above throwing your voice so it seems as if your partner’s sexual organ is talking, doing a comedic routine that ends up in mindless mating. Find someone who appreciates your lively, creative spirit!

Your Venus flows (trines) with Saturn’s Restriction
You are stable and loyal, a dutiful partner that does what she or he is told, like a good lad or lassie. Your partner can depend on you to pull him or her through the labyrinth of love and sexual experiences, where you will not let go of his or her hand, no matter what turbulent and exquisitely painful sensations may befall them. You are ideal relationship material - committed, dependable, and supportive. You are open to generally new sexual experiences, but may secretly be afraid of the more kinky, adventurous stuff, though you huff and puff about being open- minded. Your bottom may be off limits to your partner, though you may find yourself irresistibly snooping around theirs. Check it out! It’s a good thing.

Your Venus challenges (squares) the Uranus Wiggle
A restless emotional spirit there never was! Impatient with loved ones and easily irritated, you like to point out the right way, which is really your way. You are quite willful and any lover would have his or her hands full trying to tame this wild pony. The best they can hope for is not to harness you, but to let you be free, keeping the door open for when you come home to rest your weary head, and to sniff under your partner’s plaid Bermuda shorts for a little sugar cube. Your desire for change and excitement is nigh irresistible, sending squirts of liquid shooting through your nerve centers when something provocative displays itself for you to peruse. Sexually, play with this energy by having a party with all you and your lover’s favorite friends. Play strip poker, or any of those other silly board games that require one to slowly strip off clothing. It’s not the game itself that is so smashingly fun, but the interludes of laughter and conversation generated by such provocative and titillating behavior!

Your Venus challenges (squares) the Sociable Karmic Nodes
Feminine energy surrounds you in a kind of agitating or stimulating way. This energy can show up in your life in the form of: Women, gay or very feminine men, art and all its forms (including jewelry), the beauty business, the clothing industry, or creamy, sweet foods. You are being prompted to sit up and take notice of this energy, in a goosey kind of way, like a finger between your plump bum cheeks! This creates conflict, agitation, and stimulation in you. Hidden within these opportunities, are the seeds of synchronistic events just waiting to unfold, to make your life a much more powerful and juicy place with lots of Mojo! Sexually, rub, roll and slide all over your lover in a sensuous snake way, undulating legs and arms and fingertips every which way. Coat yourselves in oil to assist with the process. How about adding a rubber sheet on the bed for true skimming delight?

Personal Power and Sex Drive
Your personal power and sex drive notifies you of its thrust through the birth chart where Mars is placed like a phallic prong. Look at the sign placement, the house placement, and the other planets involved to see how you will experience the Mars’ battle of competition, assertion, along with the most favored rutting of champions!

If you are a man, Mars signifies your exuberant masculinity. If you are a woman, where Mars is placed is the type that you are attracted to, the type that will make your jade gate open, your flower bloom. Mars is also your "Inner Male", waiting to be contacted and explored for healthy emotional balance. (Little secret: A woman in contact and working with her inner male cocky ya-ya is incredibly sexy and magnetic!)

The planets that powerfully connect (conjunctions), challenge (squares), and provoke (oppositions) Mars, make him strong-willed and self- oriented (unless paired with Neptune). Like Zena or Hercules, the warrior stands vigorously! The planets that flow (trines) and support (sextiles) tone down Mars’ gnashing teeth and manifest a more balanced and less rough use of these ambitious, squirting energies. This all depends on which planet chooses to combine with Mars and his sexual grapple to the pinnacle!

Mars’ Sexual Urge rises in Virgo
With Mars in Virgo, you express your sexual energy in a practical and sensuous way. You approach the sexual experience with seriousness and experience that you have worked very hard to perfect. You’ll use tools, implements, ropes and utensils to turn your partner into a quivering mass of jelly, (much to your carnal satisfaction), throwing what doesn’t work over your shoulder to clank on the floor as they hit each other. You like fetish (or would, if you haven’t discovered it yet) and just adore trying out the latest mind expanding techniques on your partner. (Try liquid latex for some fun starters!) Sometimes, during a weak moment, you can be talked into others joining the fray, as long as you are well informed in advance and have a large part in the preparations and titillations.

Mars’ Sexual Urge beats in the Eighth House
With Mars in the eighth house, your sexual energy plays out in a consuming dive into the netherworlds of sexual passion. Ideally, combing forces in a joint expedition on a journey to the heated center of the Earth (a.k.a., The Human Sexual Psyche) is what work’s best for you. Ever on a search for the ultimate sexual experience that rips your mind from its socket, you are open to try many assorted interesting phenomenon or trips. This can run the gambit from Tantric sex to possibly bondage, or experimenting with hallucinogenic substances, or even celibacy. As such, sometimes you may involve your partner and yourself in some dangerous and juicy taboo schemes and mind bending episodes without the required orange life vest!

Your Mars powerfully connects (conjuncts) with Simmering Pluto
Hey, extreme is crème, for you. You can work even when you are dead at the time! You are one powerful and dark dingo girl or boy. Going over the edge is life, and without fairly constant boundary challenges, you will wither away into a dried-up dusty prune, or more likely, unconsciously create some nuclear monkey business in your life that keeps you hoping from foot to foot! Trying to stop or deny this kind of energy will make things worse. It will still come out, but it will seep out through all your sweaty cracks and crevices, in a really stinky, deviant way. It’s called Toxic Love! Have you checked in between your toes lately? Create a sexual scenario for you and a lover, a scenario you are pretty sure is going to challenge you, and make you sweat. Take turns being dominant, then submissive. This is what will make your power explode in your neutrons and electrons, beating cells come wide awake! Then, you’ll know what living really is.

Your Mars powerfully connects (conjuncts) the Sociable, Karmic Nodes
Interesting, stimulating, and annoying contacts with men, assertive individuals, or your community will lead you, willy-nilly down your Path in this life, and it will feel bumpy and bruising at times. You will eventually learn that going "with the pull", instead of against it, is the supercharged answer to this conundrum. So, the next time opportunity knocks, go aggressively into its arms! Ask yourself "What would Zena do?" You will soon find this approach is quite stimulating and exhilarating. Sexually, this energy can be explored through the act of sexual union. A concerted action into the ingenious experience of getting it on, will be an avenue for you to explore, peeling away the layers of the experience, like an onion. Remember - the top layers of onions are dry and crispy, but as you go deeper, they are wetter, filmy and shiny, sometimes reflecting rainbow light.

Optimism and Abundance
Your optimism and abundance deliver the spiritual and material goods in the birth chart where Jupiter is placed like an overstuffed and magnanimous Titan, secret gifts of plenty spilling from his pockets, making a prodigious mess around his feet. Look at the sign placement, the house placement, and the other planets involved in Jupiter’s broad-minded search for the sensual meaning of existence, to see how you will experience your own optimism and cell-expanding abundance (and also the twinkling light on your spiritual path).

Jupiter powerfully connecting (conjunctions), challenging (squares), and provoking (oppositions) the other planets tend to magnify Jupiter’s generous mood in an intoxicating, bloated manner. When Jupiter is flowing (trines) or supporting (sextiles) the other planets there is an excessive swelling as well, in a sweeter lazy way, like a nudge on a couch, eyes half-closed, mind pleasantly buzzing, stomach stuffed with burritos and beer.

Jupiter’s Abundance spills in Aquarius
Your enthusiasm has a futuristic intelligence to it, dropped down into this century from a little space pod, and is a brilliant, startling spirit! The gift of Jupiter for you is growth through experiencing the interpretation of the unfathomable and far out ideas that flood your heated brain, so others can understand and perceive at their own level. Sexually, your open mind allows unheard of sexual techniques to filter down into your noggin from the cosmos, begging to be experimented posthaste!

Jupiter’s Optimism pours into the Second House
Inspiration expresses itself in you with a sensual and affectionate manner. Money pours in and out of your hands with alarming frequency! It is a lush and hedonistic energy that thrives on sensation activation! Smells, murmuring voices, the feel of skin are all triggers to set you zooming. Dive into the sexual experience like you are licking drops of honey from a sweetly scented honeysuckle vine, with the pink tip of your tongue. You are a very generous and demonstrative spirit in the steamy sauna of Love.

Your Jupiter challenges (squares) Frosty, Plasmic Neptune
You have a spiritual heart, way down there, at the bottom of the ocean, in your seaworthy salty cells. It beats a mystical beat, setting a tom- tom note into your bones. There, you feel strongly, true bliss awaits you. Deception is the name of the game, so keep your channels free and clear, by doing frequent body "washes" and keeping your motives creative, spiritual, and practical. Sexually, all is divine, if you skip the drugs, wine and food, and head immediately towards experiencing whole body sex via the energy centers or chakras. This is where it at, man! You must get them going first, of course, warming them up, so that soon they respond to your call in a Pavlovian sense, spinning in their heated way with a mere touch of your fine, sensitive mind.

Patience and Persistence
Your patience and persistence plod ever onwards through the birth chart where Saturn is placed like a Big Daddy, stubbornly insisting on work and responsibility, the old curmudgeon! Look at the sign placement, the house placement, and the other planets involved in Saturn’s authoritative, restrictive policies to see how you will experience your need for discipline and manifest great endurance. This includes being mentally flogged occasionally – by yourself and others – so you get the message! (Don’t worry, it all works out in the end.)

The powerfully connecting (conjunctions), challenging (squares), and provoking (oppositions) aspects tend to bust Saturn’s iron nuggets, (or yours!), causing frustration and tension but also making available great endurance and fortitude. The flowing (trines) and supporting (sextiles) aspects soften the frustration and tension, letting things work together rather well in a steady, productive and practical manner, giving a decent share of self-control to aid in the manifestation of sexual (and otherwise) successes.

Saturn ties you down in Capricorn
You respond to structure and limitation in an assertive and practical way. Your worldly ambition and authority are a sore spot, a point of great insecurity for you, though you manage cover this up by working twice as hard and responsibly as anyone else works! Can’t the powers-that-be see that? Sexually, you know how to make a sexual commitment and stick to it, even if your lover is in a coma! You are baffled and annoyed and deeply scarred with those lovers who are flighty and unpredictable and cheat on your most dignified and worthy self.

Saturn has you under First House Arrest
Responsibility and limitations express themselves in your body and your presentation. You need lots of encouragement when expressing yourself because of a great feeling of cautiousness and conservatism at times. Not exactly spontaneous, you like to stick to the tried and true presentations of the body, mind and dress. As you age, you become like fine wine – delicious for sipping slowly and swirling in one’s wet mouth. You are a solemn creature, who takes his or her sexual involvement seriously. You may have a tough time expressing yourself sexually, but you must keep at it, it will be worth the effort, and effort is something you excel at!

Individuality and Independence
There is a natural life energy that is sexual and lies coiled and resting at the base of the spine. This is called Kundalini. Some astrologers believe the planet Uranus is representative of this energy. When Kundalini is triggered gently (or forcefully), it flows up your spinal cord, through the chakras or energy centers and meridians, unless blocked. Briefly, when blocked, it can cause disease and/or physical, emotional, mental or spiritual problems.

Kundalini and Uranian energy is a sexual, creative, electromagnetic synaptic energy that keeps our electrons twisting and sacredly dancing the night away! It has an abstract, far out influence that is filled with spontaneous genius and creates a big sky mind (expansive). It deserves to be cleaned vigorously and grounded on a regular basis so our eyes are lit from within…

Look at the sign placement, the house placement, and the other planets that are electrified in aspect by Uranus. The powerfully connecting (conjunctions), challenging (squares), and provoking (oppositions) aspects tend to create a hyper-wiggling or nervy energy that is hard to contain and needs lots of freedom to exist in its space. The flowing (trines) and supporting (sextiles) aspects intertwine together better, but still create a Uranian current that pulsates the airwaves and your nervous system, zapping consciousness with overflowing, lightening intelligence.

Your Uranus Swings in Leo!
Your generation’s sexual kundalini energy is powerful and bright, like a cop’s heavy flashlight directed into your eyes. Blinding when you aren’t ready! Your spinal cord, once grounded and triggered gently, can create a powerful sense of inner expansiveness, and also a personal intimate awareness and exquisite touch with the Higher Self. You need large amounts of sunlight for continuous stimulation and good health. View the Northern Lights if you can! At the very least, take a lot of walks outside on sunny days, "Sacred Sun walks" as the intention. Find a large, warm flat rock in a secret place, in the sun. Lie on it naked and show Mr. Sun how pretty your genitals are and how wondrous they work!

Uranus is taking liberties in your Eighth House!
Independence, eccentricities, and sudden change exhibit themselves in your approach to the depths, sexual and psychological. Strange, bizarre and thrilling occurrences will lead you down the path of your psychological consciousness, designed specifically for expansion (this includes delightful and gentle sexual deviations). Go there to stimulate electric ideas forming in your consciousness! Kundalini exercise: Place a pebble or stone in the crack of your bottom, so it is actively stimulating your tailbone. Proceed to have sexual relations, with your attention on your heart area, visualizing warm orange light there. Experiment with variations of this exercise for a stimulating head trip only you could love!

Your Uranus powerfully connects (conjuncts) the Sociable Karmic Nodes
The people you meet in your colorful carnival life are exciting and fun, eccentric and far out. You share deep, stimulating insights and experiences with them, everyone smiling and vigorously wagging their puppy dog tails all around the campfire! At times, restlessness and impatience pour over you like an electron wave, and your friends and family are subjected to your forcefully delivered opinions. Why don’t they just listen without interrupting to your profound, juicy, cockney insights? Sexually, you are open-minded and daring. You can often have a sudden pheromonal attraction that grabs you and just won’t let go. Zap! Certainly hard to resist, and also nerve-wracking if you are in a traditional relationship with tight-ass boundaries. Be with a lover of like mind, so you can have titillating, eventful experiences with all the wondrous and colorful characters of the world, thereby filling your noggin to the swirling, extreme rim.

Creativity and Illusion
Your creativity and illusion exude forth through the birth chart where Neptune is placed, like a vibrational bath with oily colors fluctuating and shifting over the surface. Look at the sign placement, the house placement, and the other planets involved in Neptune’s weeping rainbow of inspiration and foolishness, to see how you will experience your creativity and illusion. Musical, mystical and dancerly, Neptune escapes the reality of this world in many ways, including sleepiness, drugs, and instants of insanity and autism.

The powerfully connecting (conjunctions), challenging (squares), and provoking (oppositions) aspects tend to diffuse and confuse (read: denial) normal planetary energy patterns, though they do give extraordinary shots of colorful, mystical and creative experiences! The flowing (trines) and supporting (sextiles) aspects are deceptive and hypnotizing, in a lazy, glazed, but inspiring way. Neptune does not respond to the usual practical applications the other planets do. Neptune does respond to (and loves!) warm, energetic work on the body (which can be done through chakra/energy center work), creative endeavors (ah, music!), and mystical experiences, which are excellent channels for it’s very magical and sweetly psychotic vibrations.

Neptune’s Beguiling Bubble is in Scorpio
Your generation’s sexual idealism and sexual receptivity is deep and profoundly moved by the sexual experience in a usually foolish mystical way that has no basis in reality, but you are the last to find out! Still, the spiritual-sexual opportunity is there, like the lingering scent of a lily. Be careful whom you exchange bodily fluids with, the essence stays with you for a long, long time, sometimes festering in a rather yucky way. You approach your wildly creative dreams in a controlling and manipulative way, but must learn to let go of them so that full sexual gratification can occur.

Neptune’s Silvery Whistles are heard in your Tenth House
Sexual fantasies and idealization play themselves out in your career or reputation. Music, acting, dancing or skating in Disney ice shows are creative ways to pour this fluctuating energy into your life. Secretly wishing to be viewed as a sex god or goddess, there is a cloud of rosy-red mist around your body, making you appear very desirable in an otherworldly way. This mysteriousness makes strangers want to eat golden yellow mango pulp off of your curvy belly. Be aware that you have a tendency to project a rather powerful illusion onto unsuspecting pigeons.

Your Neptune supports (sextiles) Simmering Pluto
A generational aspect that goes on for a trillion years (just kidding), it operates in the background unnoticed unless it touches a sensitive genitalia point on your lovely, pulsating body. At that point, you would feel certain effects taking place at a deep inner core, where a huge light-filled quilting bee is taking place, amongst the spirits and guides that hang out with you. No one will notice these happenings, maybe not even you, especially if you are doused heavily with food, alcohol or drugs (you know, the normal human condition). This miniature, magical Mardi Gras is actually occurring in your DNA, in the spiraling helixes of the gods. There, the helixes twist and turn to a vibrational song humans cannot normally hear; creating new, unbelievable strands that signify outstanding cosmic perceptions undiscovered by little dweeby men in their white, flapping lab coats. Short (or long) periods of autism or insanity manifest, and then, should your consciousness survive intact, evolution takes place with a soft, unnoticeable, undulating pop.

Pluto: The Ultimate Orgasm, That Old Black Magic
Transformation and change rumble forth through the birth chart where Pluto seethes like a nuclear vault. Look at the sign placement, the house placement, and the other planets involved in Pluto’s scalding cauldron of death and birth, to see how you will experience transformation and change and test your boundaries. Pluto experiences can be painful because of the change and truth involved, yet Pluto is really your Secret Santa. Look for his gifts when the smoky, sulfuric air has cleared. Look under rocks, in between legs, and where the raven flies.

The powerfully connecting (conjunctions), challenging (squares), and provoking (oppositions) aspects tend fester and then spew forth in a powerful, controlling manner when in Pluto’s scaly arms. The flowing (trines) and supporting (sextiles) aspects soften and smooth Pluto’s continuous, controlling hold. Pluto wants your vulnerability. He also wants you to let go of that which you compulsively grip most deeply. Your primal scream will be heard throughout the galaxy when you finally do…

Pluto Rumbles in Virgo
Your generation’s sexual transformation will come about through intense, holistic healing of the mind-body-soul, with great awareness of the moment and cellular wholeness. Anything that brings you sharply into focus of the hear-and-now in an almost painfully pleasing way is a particularly provocative approach to get at those sexual fears and blockages faster than a speeding bullet! Sacred approach to sexuality is a major vibrational key for you.

Pluto is Seething within your Eighth House
Sexual power games and transformation take place in sexual intercourse with your partner. Exchanging bodily juices with another is a truly shake-up affair for you! Partners are psychically "marked" for good or ill, lasting many, many years. Look out for lovers carrying sexually transmitted diseases – oops! - too late! Watch a tendency for you or your partner to play the "you’re not gonna get any nookie if I don’t get my way" game or the cold silent treatment. Sex is extremely intense and powerful for you, as your energy field merges with your lover’s cellular structure, raising havoc and causing good or bad change.

The End and The Beginning
Well, you’re all done now! And how do you feel? Why don’t you do a spot check? First, check your breathing rate. It should be relaxed and very warm. How does your brain feel? Is it a bit tweaked? How about your beating heart? Put your hand there for a moment and make it warm with your mind. Do your armpits smell musky, like pine? What’s going on in your shady nether regions?

Now go pour all the rosy red love in your heart into someone else’s heart area for five minutes, at least once a day. Keep it a secret – no telling! A stranger or a friend - pick one. Do it as a visualization and then forget about it. Do it for a month and watch how your body and your life heat up dramatically and sweetly, overflowing like a frothy rosy wave. You will be licking your lips happily all the merry day and your eyes will shine with otherworldly light. People will want to touch you and you will want to touch others…

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